Column

No child should be sad at school

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During recent months, I’ve heard parents’ and educators’ concerns about how to spot and how to handle a bully. This column usually centers on the victim, which is most important to all of us, and especially to the child who is sad at school.

What is usually forgotten is the fact that a bully is sad at school too. A bully doesn’t really have any friends. The peers who surround him or her are often just trying to ensure that they won’t be the next victims. They are already victims, however, as they are powerless to involve themselves with the “enemies” of the bully.

The next question is: what makes a child a bully? There is no single answer. They could be bullied at home, seeking any kind of attention, or simply bored. This we know: All bullies can change. This we also know: If no one takes time to help them change, many will be incarcerated during a lifetime. Therefore, the goal is to help the bully, and consistency is the key to success.

We should never call a child a bully. Once that label has been placed, it’s very difficult to remove. This causes a snowball effect, and any time that child is in a group where trouble erupts, he or she becomes the scapegoat for the entire situation. In order for this child to change behaviors, it is necessary to remember that “it takes a village,” meaning that other students and their parents must give this child a chance. It is a good assumption that this child is probably not invited to birthday parties, play dates, etc. He or she is not picked for a sports team, a group in an extracurricular event, etc. We are further isolating the child, and isolation is a bad place for him or her to be. As long as these events are well supervised, there is no reason not to include the child.

Spreading rumors or stories about a child’s past is terrible. How is that child supposed to change? Unfortunately, I have seen too much of this in past years. As parents, we want the best for our children. We want to teach them to get along well with others so they can flourish in society. We teach them empathy when we are kind to the underdog. We teach them personal responsibility when we teach them to include all people. We teach them that everyone deserves a new beginning every day.

Remember also that what we think about, we bring about. When we think well of each child and say nothing derogatory to other people, that child will respond and a good reputation can evolve. In my next column, I’ll address adult bullies — they can be overt or covert. I wonder how they would have turned out differently if someone had put some faith in them and helped, rather than hurt, their future.

I know what I am talking about. I was the school bully, but someone had faith in me. Remember: No child should be sad at school.