Do these boards measure up?

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Q. I was reading about a lawsuit involving Lowe’s and a consumer group that was accusing Lowe’s of false advertisement for selling 2x4s that really aren’t. Were they supposed to be 2x4, and if not, why are they smaller than that? Lowe’s lost the case, and has to pay $1.6 million. What do you think?

A. I think the law has a spirit that King Solomon understood, but that modern judges and juries sometimes don’t. Does this mean that the rhyme we chanted as kindergartners, ‘Fatty, fatty, 2-by-4, couldn’t fit through the bathroom door,” is false because 2x4s are really 1½ by 3½ inches? Maybe “Fatty, fatty, 2-by-4” should be rewritten to be “Fatty, fatty, 1½-by-3½” so we aren’t misinforming the poor kid we’re tormenting, or maybe we should all take a lesson about bullying: that a judge and jury should also not be bullying Lowe’s for following a tradition as old as the hills.

The real culprit in this ridiculous case is the mill where the lumber is cut. Many years ago, around 1920 or so, actual 2-inch by 4-inch lumber started to be produced at the smaller dimensions simply for economic reasons (and because some sneaky person knew that, someday, a supposedly advanced society, with nothing better to do, would rake a retail store over the coals for false advertising). When we measure old buildings, we can tell the age by the thickness of “actual” versus “nominal”-size floor joists and wall studs. “Nominal” became the term for the new, narrower-cut 1½ x 3½ lumber.

The economics involved who would pay for the sawdust waste when the tree trunks were run through giant spinning saws. Which side of the line the thick blades, approximately 3/16 of an inch thick, cut on determined who paid for the wasted sawdust. The mills decided that you and I should pay for it, not them, so even though the name lived on, the size of the product did not. All that excess waste constituted mountains of sawdust, which the mills cleverly found a way to recycle into trim moldings and fiberboard by adding glue and pressing it into forms, so you pay for the waste in more ways than one when you purchase 2x4s and some cabinets. Clever, huh?

So 2-inch-thick lumber was now about 1 13/16 inches, but still had a ways to go. The trees are cut when they’re green and have to be stacked in the drying yard or kiln, since somebody figured out right away that green lumber shrinks, a lot, and used in buildings too early, would cause all kinds of cracking and sounds like ghosts are in the walls. As “Seinfeld’s” George Costanza could tell you, shrinkage is not good. The lumber is shipped when it reaches the point of equilibrium, which coincides with the reduced size to the 1½ x 3½ we buy. They’re still 2x4s to me!

©2014 Monte Leeper. Readers are encouraged to send questions to yourhousedr@aol.com, with “Herald question” in the subject line, or to Herald Homes, 2 Endo Blvd., Garden City, NY 11530, Attn: Monte Leeper, architect.