Randi Kreiss

And we did it all without smartphones

Posted

Perhaps the word I hear most often from my adult kids is “stress.” During these early weeks of the new school year, children are adjusting to new classes and new teachers, parents are trying to create workable daily routines and no one seems to be having much fun.

I observe my children as parents, and wonder how their lives have become so complicated, despite the ubiquitous use of so-called time-saving devices like smartphones, tablets, computers and, in general, the internet.

Of course, there is the parental hovering, which is problematic. Today, for some moms and dads, organizing a child for school means advocating (beginning last spring) for particular teachers and/or classmates. Then, trying to get kids on a particular sports team. Also, in the high school group, launching the all-consuming process of applying to colleges.

Although I fully support parents advocating for their children, I believe that in many cases, parental expectations of teachers and schools are unrealistic and overly demanding. As a mother who spoke up for her kids, I would urge parents to resist interfering unless there’s a clear and present risk to a child’s well-being. I’m suggesting that parents let go a bit and let children work out for themselves most of the challenges they encounter.

Stress is contagious, and parents who over-react to school issues infect their kids with anxiety they don’t deserve or need.

I see that my grown kids can access school calendars on their phones. They plan play-dates via text with other parents. They can check on daily lunch menus. They use devices to organize car pools to religious school and soccer games and after-school enrichment classes and class outings. Who’s bringing the “healthy” snacks to tomorrow’s soccer practice? It’s in the email.

Some teachers even permit emailing with parents, I imagine, with mixed results. Many children carry their own devices to communicate with parents during the day. The idea of kids carrying cellphones in elementary and middle school is appalling to me, and not because my own experience was different. When we send kids off to school in the morning, we need to let them go, on every level. And when they encounter a nasty kid during recess, or a disappointment with a grade, they need to work it out without parental interference. The “liberating” cellphone has somehow made kids more needy and dependent.

The constant communication ramps up the stress level. The need for instant solutions to problems or challenging situations pre-empts the possibility of working things out on one’s own, with one’s own resources, in one’s own time. What kids learn in school isn’t just classroom stuff. Perhaps more important is how they learn to navigate in unfamiliar surroundings and negotiate relationships with schoolmates and teachers. Constant calling for help via cellphone truly stunts a child’s emotional growth.

Parents need to take a step back and let the educational process evolve. We need to put down the phones. Once we have a weekly schedule set, must we micro-manage every day? After school, must we take away from one-on-one family time by keeping a phone in hand to receive texts from co-workers and hair salons and dog groomers and party planners and doctors’ offices and even friends?

Really. You can stop it. It is a choice. I’m going to say the loaded words: “In my day” we got through the week with a schedule pre-arranged with other parents for carpooling to after-school activities. When we sat at the fringes of the soccer field, we talked to the other parents and we watched our child play. We didn’t text or “catch up” on email. We did our parenting just fine without devices. And just because we have them now for convenience doesn’t mean we have to disconnect from genuine human interaction.

My mother and father did their parenting job in longhand, without the internet and without ever once calling the teacher or the school, that I can recall. Generations of parents and children have experienced the usual pressures and challenges of the school year without weekly “emergency interventions.” (Yes, I exaggerate.) We all did OK, more or less.

Today I see a concerning rise in stress due to over-parenting and over-dependence on devices. I look in my grandkids’ eyes and some of them engage. With others, their eyes slide away from mine, in search of the nearest screen. The same goes for their parents.

Copyright © 2016 Randi Kreiss. Randi can be reached at randik3@aol.com.