Refusing to stay quiet

Mary Aguilar Buttafuoco, of Franklin Square, has been taking life by the reigns over the past 20 years. Always an aspiring actor, in 2002, she played a cousin on the hit HBO series “The Sopranos,” and now hosts her own online radio show. There are few signs now of her life’s nearly 10-year dark period; she’s come a long way since then.

In 1970, Buttafuoco was living in Westminster, California, and was married to her then-husband — whose name has been omitted from this story for legal reasons — and felt as if she were trapped in an unstable, abusive marriage.

Although he was a trusting, loving man when they dated, Buttafuoco’s husband became physically abusive shortly after they married. Buttafuoco didn’t know what to do; although she knew that the abuse was wrong, she needed her husband’s financial support for her kids — twin daughters, who are now 38, and a son, who is now 33 — and kept convincing herself that the abuse would stop. It didn’t.

The abuse got worse, and was perpetuated by her husband’s increasing alcohol problem. Buttafuoco, a practicing Jehovah’s Witness at the time, was told by mentors and friends in her fellowship that she had to stay committed to her marriage. They told her that she wasn’t doing enough; the abuse must be her fault. She tried to be a better wife and pray more — following their advice — but nothing helped.

After one severe beating, Buttafuoco’s face was unrecognizable. Another time, when she and her husband were driving in San Diego, nearly 60 miles away from their home, he forced her out of their vehicle and left her stranded for nearly an hour. After spilling a drink on her shirt while working at a restaurant as a hostess, he accused her of letting someone else kiss her, and beat her with a belt.

The abuse then took on other forms. Buttafuoco’s husband told their children that Buttafuoco was a bad mother, and that she wasn’t religious enough. He told the family’s headship — the leaders of a Jehova’s Witness congregation — that she had a problem with them.

“I was in a helpless
position,” Buttafuoco said, adding that she had family was living in New York at the time, but was restricted by the headship from moving near them.

Finally, relief came from a neighbor, after the family moved to a new location in California. “She heard my screams and told me I was a battered woman,” Buttafuoco said. The neighbor gave Buttafuoco a number to call, and after a lot of hesitation, she went.

The shelter helped Buttafuoco heal and gain confidence, and when she left, she felt like she was on the right track. She knew she had to leave her husband, and create a safer home environment for her kids. However, when she returned home, her children were gone — they were being hidden at the homes of several brothers and sisters from the church, at the command of her husband. She called the police.

After getting her kids back, Buttafuoco took fled with hem, moved into a new home and separated from her husband. He filed for in 1980, and two years later — during which Buttafuoco broke away from the congregation, gained custody of her kids and finally began feeling safe from her husband — the divorce was final. Buttafuoco moved to Elmont, where she lived for several years with her children. She has been a resident of Franklin Square for almost a year.

Today, Buttafuoco couldn’t be happier.

Every Tuesday, she hosts “Victims Speak Out,” a radio show on www.blogtalkradio.com. She got the job after writing to www.silentlambs.org, and getting a call from one of the site’s creators about co-hosting a radio show on that site. After co-hosting that show for several months, she was offered a spot hosting her own show. The guests of “Victims Speak Out” are usually victims of domestic and child abuse, Buttafuoco said, but book authors and abuse experts have also speak from time to time. Recently, Buttafuoco interviewed a Holocaust survivor, Paul Heimler.

Buttafuoco said she believes it’s important to talk about domestic abuse, to reduce the fear that many victims have about coming forward. “People who are abused aren’t necessarily able to talk about what they went through because it’s embarrassing,” she explained. “And sometimes you don’t even realize that you’re in a situation like that.” On her show, Buttafuoco says to victims of domestic violence, “If you interested in speaking out, I will listen.”

In addition to hosting, Buttafuoco schedules guests and produces the show herself. During the school year, she works as a bus chaperone for disabled students in the Elmont Union Free School District. Buttafuoco said that she plans to someday work as an advocate for victims of abuse, and speak at local schools, some day. No longer a Jehovah’s Witness — a religion that prohibits acting — Buttafuoco said she also wants to pursue an acting career. She landed a gig playing Cousin Grace on “The Sopranos” nearly a decade ago, after she was spotted by an agent in Manhattan.

“Victims Speak Out” airs every Tuesday at 6:30 p.m., throughout the summer, and will move to 9:30 p.m. in the fall.

Comments about this story? JNash@liherald.com or (516) 569-4000 ext. 214.