Don’t mess with puppies, George. From what I’ve read and what I’ve heard in statements coming out of your very own mouth, you seem estranged from most commonly held beliefs of what is true and what is false, what is a factual statement and what is a lie. What happened and what didn’t happen.
Assiduously, I have ignored the media high jinks and political circus surrounding your behavior, but last week’s revelation of the alleged puppy caper in Pennsylvania’s Amish country in 2017 unleashes my inner Cujo. Oh yes, the temptation to joke is overwhelming due to the ridiculousness of many of your quasi-legal escapades and the seemingly endless stream of revelations concerning your grandiose claims, self-promotion and transgressions.
Last week we read in The Washington Post that a farmer in Pennsylvania had come forward with a story about you “buying” golden retriever puppies from him with rubber checks. Other farmers have come forward with similar claims. Related to these charges is the story about the “charity” you claim to have established, Friends of Pets United, but the Post reported that no IRS records of the group could be found. It also reported that you stole money that had been raised to help a disabled veteran care for a dying dog. A disabled veteran?? A dying dog?? What’s wrong with you, George?
I am very disappointed in you. If I were your mother — but oh, wait, your mother died tragically in the 9/11 attacks, unless she didn’t. Can’t be sure. Well, if I were your mother, I would get you some help. The impulse among us in the media is to point at you, since you have become something of a one-man sideshow. But dude, you need serious therapeutic intervention.
What we can be sure of is that you aren’t Jewish, or Jew-ish, despite your repeated claims to the contrary. According to The Forward, even though you said that your grandparents escaped the Holocaust, they actually were safe and sound in Brazil at the time. There’s no proof you were really mugged on your way to pay a delinquent rent check in New York City, or worked for a bank, or owned various houses, or knew people in the Pulse nightclub shooting, or graduated from NYU or played high-stakes volleyball.
Copyright 2023 Randi Kreiss. Randi can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.