Big tub or deluxe shower?

Q. My husband and I are planning our first real home after living in an apartment for many years. We’ll be completely renovating a suburban home we’re just buying, and the master bathroom is a big part of our reason for moving. We have space for his and hers closets and a big bathroom, but he wants a huge shower for two and I want a smaller shower and a big soaking and whirlpool tub. I’m sure there are things that need to be done, like extra floor beams, etc., but what do you think works best, since we completely disagree about this one thing?

A. This should hopefully be the worst dilemma you ever argue over. After many years of frank discussions with couples about their bathroom preferences, I’ve observed that many, but not all, men would rather have a shower than a tub so they can get up and out the door as quickly as possible. Many women, but not all, want a tub to luxuriate in, often describing their quiet time spent with soft music, a glass of wine, alone. How romantic is that? Alone.

I think there’s more to this discussion than the choice of space usage or type of plumbing fixtures, since many men express to me that they resent working long hours while their partner will be soaking away the stress of a long day without them. It may be jealousy, it may be the feeling of the stressful obligation to be working long hours — which may not even be the case — but this is what I often hear. I usually think, Wow, I wouldn’t have said that, but too late. It then turns into a memorable episode of “The Newlywed Game,” where each is arguing about some other unrelated issue, which is just the point.