Settling Down vs. Settling

It can get lonely at times, I admit it.

I mean, everyone’s been there and can relate.

Being single can be, well, challenging.

Being one of the single people — if not the sole single person — amongst groups of friends and couples… at a wedding… at a family event… You’ve gotta love getting asked “So, when are you going to settle down?” fifteen times at a four hour party. Regardless, being single can make for interesting circumstances.

As a result, people often end up just kinda going with whatever they can get in their dating life. A.K.A., settling for what they can get — someone who they don’t find as attractive as they’d like, or even don’t really find terribly attractive at all, someone who doesn’t have many of the personality traits which they’d like in a partner. Or even someone who doesn’t want the same things or share the same values.

Of course, I have many friends in relationships and know many other people who are in relationships as well, whether as boyfriend and girlfriend, engaged, or married. Some of those relationships, I’m sure, will be successful and last forever. And then, there are the others. The relationships that I look at and think to myself “There’s no way this is going to last.” And that’s applicable to married and engaged couples I know as well. The common thread that I see in all those relationships that seem destined to fail is that one, if not both of the people in them seem to be settling for the person they’ve chosen as their partner.

And I get it, I do. I get the rationale for why people settle at times. People don’t want to be alone. They want a partner. Someone they can trust and count on. Hell, I want all of that stuff, too. But settling doesn’t come from a place of logic and common sense, but rather hurt emotions and most of all, frustration.

Settling is a bad play, trust me. I’ve been guilty of it, too, when I was younger. And I did it for just those reasons: I hadn’t met someone I really liked for a while, and I was starting to get a bit lonely, and certainly was frustrated about it, and wasn’t thinking with much common sense.

It’s easy to get frustrated and lonely when you’re single, especially when you’ve been single for a while. And it’s easy to get caught in the trap of settling and being with someone who you don’t really like that much, but they’re there so you go with it.

But there’s nothing to be gained. In fact, it’s actually counterproductive to the objective you actually want.

I was talking about all this with a buddy this past Saturday night, and he agreed with what my viewpoint on the topic has been for a long while now: why settle and be with someone you don’t really like? You’re not going to be terribly happy with them, and certainly not as happy as you’d be with someone who you really do like and feel that connection with. And most of all, if you’re with someone who you don’t really like and don’t really click with, you’re not available to, hopefully, meet the right person, and not just settle for “someone.”

“Living with integrity means: Not settling for less than what you know you deserve in your relationships. Asking for what you want and need from others. Speaking your truth, even though it might create conflict or tension. Behaving in ways that are in harmony with your personal values. Making choices based on what you believe, and not what others believe.”– Barbara De Angelis

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