Must-have holiday gifts, silly and sane

I am so not in the mood for sapphire earrings this year. Maybe it’s the on-and-off-again recession, maybe it’s Greece, which is sliding into the sea, maybe it’s just the bane of Herman Cain. Whatever … I’m thinking more along the lines of the best things in life are free or at least quite reasonable.

According to sociologists and anthropologists and every other ologist, it seems our society is drifting in two very different directions, creating a super-privileged class and an underclass. So, in the spirit of the season, I offer some gift suggestions for both ends of the budget, whether you’re an extravagant big spender or a penny-pinching bargain hunter.

If you’re thinking small, say gifting a pizza, you can send out for a top-of-the-line pie covered in lobster caviar, smoked salmon, venison medallions and edible gold. It will set you back $4,200, but they do throw in paper plates and forks. If, on the other hand, you must watch your pennies, the local guy can deliver an eight-slice beauty with pepperoni for $12. And he’ll still throw in the plates.

Want to cap the meal with some nice, healthy, fresh fruit? For $6,100 you can buy the world’s most expensive watermelon, a 17-pound Densuke melon grown in Hokkaido, Japan (no extra charge for radioactivity). The budget-minded among us can pick up a few delicious HoneyCrisp apples for less than $5.

For the kayaker in your life, you can buy a transparent polymer kayak for $1,300 that will allow your sailor unlimited vistas of the underwater world. If, however, you yourself are financially underwater, a plastic tube, at $4.49, will also keep you afloat, although not for long.

Seeking shelter? You can camp out at Occupy Wall Street for about $5 a night, including food and tear gas, or, if you’ve struck it rich, you might build something like Mukesh Ambani’s house in Mumbai. I saw it myself in April. It’s 570 feet high, has a health spa for every family member, a six-level garage, a panic room, gardens on every floor and a staff of 600. For $2 billion, it’s yours. But it’s pretty much a waste of your money. If a panic room is a room in which you panic, then all my rooms qualify.