She’s a cupcake; he’s pretty much toast

Randi Kreiss

Maybe it would be more accurate to say she’s an English muffin, born to British parents who immigrated to Lake Havasu, Ariz., where they ran the fake English village exhibit at an amusement park. With such beginnings, clearly her fate was set in stone — a big stone, with a very nice setting, indeed.

The year she was born, her “Mr. Right” was 60. Twenty-four years later, they found one another, and now the old dude, who is 84, has decided that he will marry her.

As 2010 turned into 2011, Hugh Hefner became a prospective husband. Again. (He married for the first time in 1949, and a second time years later.) This time around, his intended is 24-year-old Crystal Harris, a model and singer. Presumably, his longtime girlfriend, Holly Madison, 32, was, well, just too old. Two years ago, Hef said, “I love Holly very much and I think we’re going to be together the rest of my life.” I guess nothing lasts forever, or even two years. He didn’t realize Holly was getting so decrepit.

After Holly, Hef took up with 20-year-old twins, but even added together, they didn’t make appropriate girlfriends. Eventually he left them for his true love, Crystal, shortly after she was featured as Playboy’s Playmate of the Month in December 2009.

Crystal really, really loves Hef, and according to him, burst into tears when he gave her the engagement ring. Maybe she became emotional thinking about the diaper years ahead. Need I explain?

The Hefner-Harris romance is a fitting coda to the long-playing sexual symphony conducted by the Playboy empire. Founded in 1953, Playboy wasn’t just a magazine, but a chain of nightclubs where even Gloria Steinem donned bunny ears and tail to serve drinks to men on the make. Eventually Playboy moved into TV and movies and DVDs; the company, which is considered a purveyor of soft porn, bought up other, hard-core companies, trying to follow the money and the public demand for raunchy sex.

The magazine peaked in 1972, selling 7 million copies a month. Hefner was at his peak, too, 46 and living life as if it would never end. Eventually, the magazine’s circulation diminished and probably Hef’s did as well.