For some, the saddest time

It’s generally a joyous time when the holiday spirit is in the air. But for families and individuals who have recently lost a loved one, a well-meaning “Have a happy turkey day” or “Be thankful for family” may summon feelings of loss and longing rather than wintry cheer.

According to Barbara Fullerton, president and aftercare coordinator of the Fullerton Funeral Home in Baldwin, with “over 2 million deaths a year, the number of people dealing with these feelings can be significant.” As a grief counsellor, Fullerton knows how difficult the holidays can be, and she and Elaine Stillwell, a former bereavement counsellor for the Rockville Center Diocese who is still active in Compassionate Friends, offered some suggestions on how the bereaved can best handle the holidays.

The first thing both experts suggest is planning ahead to reduce time crunches and unburden the mind. “If you need to, shop through catalogs, or ask your loved ones to make you a gift list,” Fullerton suggests. “This will free up your time and reduce some of the stress.

Stillwell agrees, suggesting that time pressure may be one of the most suffocating influences a person coping with a death may experience. “Time pressures are very hard for people in this situation,” she said. “Everyone will be trying to help you, to get you involved with things in order to show that they care. The problem is, there’s no timetable when it comes to grief. Each person needs to heal at his or her own pace, and you may simply not be ready.”

Whether you’re feeling spunky or sad, whether you feel like hiding or are prepared to face the world, perhaps the most important thing you can do after losing someone, the women said, is to leave room for a range of emotions. “Give yourself choices,” Stillwell urged. “Don’t try to cook the big meal or decorate the tree if your heart’s not in it. Do what you need to do. If someone invites you to a party, let them know you may only stay an hour or so.”