Fright Night!

  So you’ve reached yet another milestone in your life. You’ve managed to make it through the trauma of “Little Biff or Buffy’s” first day of school, and now it’s your first Parents’ Night! The teacher reports on Biff or Buffy’s progress and how he or she is interacting with the other students. You’re shown their art work, which is all they’ve done so far, simply because they haven’t fully learned the alphabet yet. But wait until the teacher finds out how brilliant they are, and that they already know their alphabet, because you’ve been secretly teaching them at home (ha ha!). 

Then you and the spouse are handed these tiny scissors and some construction paper and are asked to cut out the four basic shapes to demonstrate how this helps “B or B’s” motor skills. Don’t tell me about motor skills! All night we’ve been made to sit in tiny little Smurf chairs, looking like praying mantises with our knees touching our temples, and wearing silly little party hats. It’s impossible to negotiate these seats if you have poor motor skills!!

Then there’s the Thanksgiving feasts, where you and your seedlings are made to dress in pilgrim garb, which includes wearing paper pilgrim hats and bibs. I can’t wait to show these pictures to the guys at work. Then it’s back to...you got it, “Parents’ Night!” Once again, you meet the teacher, and once again you’re made to spend the evening perched on a tiny little desk chair. The bell goes off, signaling the end of the night’s events, only now you need an additional ten minutes to get out of your chair because every one of your body parts that exists below the belt has fallen asleep. Does it ever get any better? You tell me.

            Well, they’ve made it to middle school. Here, not only are they reaching a new plateau in their education, but they’re also expected to do it while going through hormonal changes. There’s a crack in their voices when they speak, and the middle school chorus sounds like a Roy Rogers and Gene Autry Yodel Fest. But, wow, they’re growing up! Just as they seem to be getting through the confusion of changing classes, the school once again feels it’s time to announce this amazing metamorphosis with yet another “Parents’ Night!” 

I have to admit that it’s more tolerable now because we’re no longer being addressed as if we’re the children. What I really want to know is, while our kids are growing, so are we, so when do we get to sit in adult-size seats? Now, not only is the chair small, but I’m wedged in the attached armrest-type desk. I’m going to have to report to the school nurse to have this thing surgically removed!

            B&B have made it to high school and, though you may not agree with their musical tastes and new fashion statements, they’re definitely coming into their own and are proving that they’re even brighter than you thought they were. Along with help from their guidance counselors, they’ve managed to map out their future and you’re about to find out about it because here comes yet another “Parents’ Night!” Only this time your prayers have been answered because now they have the big seats. The bad news is you’re not going to be spending much time in the big seats because you’ll be asked to run through B&B’s nine-period schedule, only you have to do it in one hour! So now you’re running a marathon without the benefit of previous training. The school has volunteer students along the way, handing out cups of water and mocking you under their breath. EMS is standing by with emergency oxygen.

Parents’ Night has turned into “Fright Night!”