America 2.0

Every day, it seems like our country is going further and further down the toilet. Violence, hatred, greed, partisanship tearing us apart: where did we go wrong?

I was thinking it over, and I have a solution, taken from that most venerable of American institutions: Hollywood. It’s a modest proposal, but I think it could work.

America needs a reboot.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love America. Apple pie, baseball, hot dogs: all of those things are great. But after 235 years, I think we can safely say that it’s just not working out. I mean, if DC Comics can reboot Superman after 73 years (meaning Supes has been around for 31 percent of the time America has been a country), then why can’t we reboot the whole shebang?

First up, the name. The United States of America? I almost fell asleep just writing it.

All of the greatest countries have single-word names: Italy, England, China, Turkmenistan. We need something like that. And the best part is, we already have it!

Our new name should simply be “USA!” The exclamation mark is mandatory. It’s easy to remember, it’s punchy and it’s exciting. If British Petroleum can simply rebrand itself “BP,” then why can’t we?

And speaking of punching things up, we need to do something about all of these superfluous states we have. I know that 50 is a nice, even number, but it just doesn’t make sense on a map. Do we really need a North AND South Dakota? And what’s so special about West Virginia?

We’ll make Dakota, Carolina and Virginia. And I think it’s time we face facts and just say what everyone’s already thinking: we’ll make New Jersey part of New York. It practically is already, so lets just make it official.

While we’re on the matter of aesthetics, it might make sense for us to annex Canada and Mexico. Just round out the whole continent. But we can worry about that later.

We also need to make things more exciting. If we want to attract tourism, we need to make things more like the movies (since that’s what most other countries see us as, anyway). So, from now on, every drive you take will be as if it was a chase scene directed by Michael Bay. And we’re going to need more explosions. A few girls in bikinis scattered around wouldn’t hurt, either.

Next up: the flag. It was great for 1776 (thanks a lot, Betsy), but it just doesn’t work anymore. Stars and stripes? It’s too boring to be the flag of a country as hip and sexy as USA!

I’m thinking we need to get an agency to design a new logo for our new country. Something that says, “You don’t want to mess with us,” while simultaneously saying, “Don’t worry, World, we’ll take care of you.” But I’ll let the Don Drapers of the world figure that one out.

While we’re on the subject of television, I think it’s also important that we reboot the way we do elections. I’m all for the voting process, but our country’s turnout for elections is abysmal. But do you know what gets great results for its elections? American Idol.

From now on, everyone seeking office has to appeal to the populace via an American Idol-type show. The candidates would make their points in a two-day live television event, ending with their musical number. Then the USA! people can call or text in their votes. Of course, we’d have to get Simon back, or otherwise the whole thing would just be silly.

And we really have to get rid of all of this partisanship that’s tearing our country apart. To that end: we’re going to get rid of the filibuster. It’s just so boring!

From now on, if the two parties in a House of Congress have a problem, the party leaders will settle it in a cage match on the National Mall. Just think about John Boehner and Nancy Pelosi wrestling in the shadow of the Lincoln Memorial and tell me you don’t want to see it.

I know it’s not going to be easy to abandon what we’ve had for so long, but I do think it’s for the best. By becoming the USA!, we’ll be securing our future as a viable, cool and sexy country. And isn’t that what’s most important?