‘Bleep’ my Aunt says

My dad was a supportive, wonderful guy who imparted wisdom through light humor. My mom was a nurturing source of strength who guided you gently through reasoned, loving discussions.

My Aunt Zoey, however, was a rough between those diamonds, who often meted out heady advice while placing your head in a vice. Always with a bit of an edge, she could push you over the edge, and served as a role model if that meant a model ready to roll right over anyone or anything in her way. Never intentionally cruel, Zoey, like other (lovable?) curmudgeons, was kinda crusty as she acted on the notion that God had created the world just so she could comment on its every facet. Truth be told, growing up it was exciting to watch her make (and score) points that, like javelin spears, were entertaining to see hurled, (unless they were aimed at you.) What follows is some of the, uh … stuff, my

Aunt says:

Their’s was a marriage based on looks: he would look for trouble, she would look the other way.

He puts a lot of work into

being lazy.

Don’t accuse me of putting words in your mouth, because if I did you would sound a lot smarter.

In the throat of life, he was a tickle, replaced by a frog, replaced by a bone.

Satan couldn’t be everywhere so he created certain elected officials.

He was so full of himself he wouldn’t take his own phone calls.

She should write a poison-pen letter and then eat her words.

Never ask how folks feel if you even suspect they might actually tell you.

Better to see the world through rose-colored glasses than through wine

glasses.

He’s the type who would deliver thin plastic bags to a toy store!

If you can’t be clean, be neat.

She looks like a Picasso dropped in a blender.

Anyone can bear a child, it takes commitment to bear a grudge.

The gal who insists on being the babe at every birth and the bride at every wedding is soon invited only to funerals.

You can pay as you go, just as long as you go!

Don’t confuse reaching a goal with hitting a

target.

Sure, you should be as nice as you can be and as tough as you have to be, but also remember to be as angry as they make you, as pushy as they let you and as free as you want.

Nothing is as useless as a dirty joke that isn’t funny, except the one who repeats it.

Question everyone else, answer only to yourself.

Whether it’s better to be respected for the way he displays intelligence or admired for the way he conceals his ignorance, is something he’ll never have occasion to find out.

When you pay an actor millions to play a self-centered, drunken womanizer, why are you shocked when he grows into his role?

He was so nasty and so incompetent he was everybody’s “go from” guy.

Some marry for love and marry for money because they marry for the love of money.

He was so combative he would regularly receive condolence cards on the loss of his temper.

Care about people and not what people say, but don’t care about people who say too much.

He spoke so slowly he bored us serious.

It’s not what you know or even who you know, but rather who you know who knows what you don’t know.

and: Since everyone knows what the “bleep” stands for, why bother putting the bleep in? If it needs to be “bleeped” then it shouldn’t be heard … and if it shouldn’t be heard, it shouldn’t be said … or, in our case, written or read!

© Copyright © 2011 Ron Goldman