Endless Praise!

When I complete my routine on the bike, the machine responds, “Great Workout!” When I end a yoga class, the instructor tells me, “Fantastic Job.” When I win a game of Solitaire online, fireworks go off.

And I beam. I like receiving positive praise. But then again, I was raised before the days of the self-esteem movement. In those days, kids were told: “You got a 90! What happened to the other 10 points?” or “Enough bike riding; Get in here and do your homework!” In those days, “Good Job!” was simply not your typical parental feedback.

What a difference a few decades make (okay, more than a few).

Ever since parents started to acknowledge the importance of self-esteem, it’s been non-stop “Good Job.” As if endless praise weren’t enough, it’s now often accompanied by gifts, rewards and grade inflation. Mollie received a diploma for graduating from nursery school; Johnnie, a trophy for attending soccer practices, Jason an ‘A’ for answering every essay question.

The good news about the self-esteem movement is that it has significantly contributed to the development of kids’ self-worth. The bad news is that it has gone too far, backfiring with unexpected consequences. Here are a few examples:

Though today’s kids typically receive a barrage of endless praise, isn’t it strange that so many of them are so mean to each other?

Though today’s kids marinate in kudos from the day they’re born, isn’t it weird that seven years later, they’ve developed a jaded look of boredom with activity their parents offer?

 Though today’s kids have the negotiating power to buy the clothes they want, isn’t it bizarre that they’re so insecure with the way they look?

What’s going on here?

Could it be that that continuous praise has become cheapened praise? Could it be that kids long for authentic feedback, not phony feedback?

Years ago, parents criticized their kids in the most blatant manner: “Stop slouching; stand up straight; nobody will like you if you act like that; what’s wrong with you?” They were like Simon Cowell whose unsparingly blunt criticism about American Idol contestants has earned him fame and fortune.

In today’s world, parents agonize over how to critique their kids without bruising their egos. In contrast, kids bestow on each other (and on their parents) brutish criticism without caring one iota about anyone’s feelings. After all, you’ve got to say something in all those text messages. And you’ve got to fill your Facebook page with something that’s provocative.

So, what’s a parent to do? Should you scratch the praising, return to the criticizing? Not exactly. But whenever you go overboard in one direction, it’s a good idea to move in the other direction (like a tightrope walker) until you find the correct balance.

Hence, next time you’re tempted to praise your kid, curb your enthusiasm. Unless you’re truly impressed with what your child has done, “fantastic job” is unnecessary. “Nice” is fine. Saying nothing is fine too. And so is honest criticism, “looks like you didn’t put much effort into that job.”

If you want your praise to be effective, it must be authentic. If not, don’t be surprised when your angel negates everything you say. As 10-year-old Allison said when her mom told her how pretty she looked, “You have to say that. You’re my mother. But the kids tell me the truth. They think I’m dorky. And I think they’re right.”

For more information on how to raise 21st century kids, check out the eye-opening book “Childhood Unbound” written by psychologist, Dr. Ron Taffel.

 ©2011 Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and success coach who specializes in helping people enrich their lives, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns. Contact her at lsapadin@drsapadin.com or visit her website at www.PsychWisdom.com.