Four of the most dreaded words in the language

“The hamster is missing.”

When I arrived in Florida to baby-sit last week, an amber alert had been issued. Apparently, that morning, Peanut, the resident mesocricetus auratus, had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Neither Sabrina, 8, nor Jacob, 6, could say who was playing with him at the time or how he got away. Their parents had already left on their vacation.

In the interest of full disclosure, I admit that I don’t like rodents, and a hamster by any other name is still a rodent. Small, furry body, pointy ears, sharp little teeth, squiggly tail: I rest my case. I don’t see why mice and rats wind up in traps and hamsters get a pass. Peanut and I had never met, and that was OK with me.

The children were distressed, although clearly complicit in the disappearance. “I can’t go on without him,” Sabrina wailed. “Peanut Stewart Kreiss, I will love you forever.”

“So when did he get a middle name?” I asked.

“It’s more dignified,” she said.

I decided to think like a hamster, which, surprisingly, was no problem at all. I looked under things — couches, pillows, tables, desks and rugs. I went to www.hamsterific.com to get to know my adversary. The site said that hamsters make the best pet rodents; I say that “pet” and “rodent” are mutually exclusive terms.

The other grandma called, suggesting that I go out and buy a humane trap that the pet store recommended. I vetoed that idea, feeling as equivocal as I did about finding the little rat. Also, the very first week Peanut was in residence, my grandson stepped on his tiny paw and the beast needed orthopedic surgery, which included placing a pin in the crushed limb. At the time I had suggested a replacement hamster for $8 instead of the surgery for $150, followed by euthanasia and a Viking funeral for Peanut the First. My kids wouldn’t hear of it. Nevertheless, I wasn’t investing in a trap, humane or otherwise.

I knew that if Peanut had escaped outside, his chances of survival were less than zero in the land of snakes, alligators, iguanas and real rats. Let nature take its course, I thought.