Letting go and holding on

Growing up, in response to my whining that a task was too difficult or that a burden was too heavy, I frequently heard from my parents the Yiddish proverb “when one must, one can.” In recommending (and expecting) perseverance and unrelenting effort, it joined such other expressions as “winners never quit, and quitters never win,” and “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try, again,” as well as such historic declarations as “damn the torpedoes," full steam ahead,” and “I have just begun to fight,” as the proper reaction to any challenge.

Indeed, each of these statements personifies the unquestionable virtue of “sticking to your guns” and “never saying never” that embodies the noble character.

Nevertheless, over the years, I’ve come to see the value in recognizing and acknowledging when to give up the ghost and move on, and when to, not necessarily call it quits, but definitely to call it a night and retire to start anew (or different) on a different day.

In that vein, my late mother always advised that well-mannered guests (as well as guests who hoped to be re-invited) were the ones smart enough to know that it was better to leave too soon than stay too late. She taught us kids that while arrivals were exciting and dramatic, timely departures were also crucial to the social experience (and often a relief to all parties!)

As we matured (to the extent we matured) we came to appreciate that welcomes, like welcome mats, can easily be worn out, and that having an exit strategy applies not just to visitors but to liberating nations and to anyone and everyone actively engaged in a communal, political, social, educational or philanthropic organization. Hard as it is to enter into a new situation or environment and become an involved, active participant, all too often it’s even harder to recognize when it’s advised (or necessary) to disengage and move on.

It takes experience and honesty to differentiate between surrender and compromise, between retreat and redirection, between capitulation and accommodation, and between wanting to finish a job, and being content with having begun it. “Yielding to traffic” doesn’t mean pulling off the road and parking by the side, indefinitely, nor does “handing over” mean rolling over.

“Strategic retreat” allows one to fight another day with the understanding that while those you fight against may change that which you fight for endures forever.

“Check out time” merely means turning a room you no longer need occupy over to someone else while you pursue new adventures in a new locale. With changing circumstances, you must often take a step, but it’s not about stepping back, it’s about stepping aside and then stepping forward onto a new path but toward the same destination.

You can pack up without packing it in and give over what you’ve accomplished without giving up on what remains to be done.

Yup, it’s like the song says: “You’ve got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run,” as long as you promise not to run away, but to run towards new goals, new efforts, new ventures and new opportunities … or even the old ones!

© Copyright © 2011 Ron Goldman