Make it a truly ‘Happy New Year’

This is the time of the year when we wish each other “Happy New Year.” Yet, despite our wish to be happy, more of us have turned to anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills just to get through the day. What’s going on here? How come the pursuit of happiness is so elusive?

 Perhaps we have the wrong idea of what happiness is. We think we’ll be happy when we get what we want. And sometimes that’s true. We get the car of our dreams, we’re delighted. We take a trip with friends. It’s great! But for how long? The thrill of getting something new or even having a new experience wanes quickly. And then we’re on to the next wish.

 What we need to recognize is that happiness is ours, not because our every wish is fulfilled, but because we feel happy with what we have. We all know people (I hope you’re not one of them) who are often miserable because they can’t let go of the negative — what they don’t have, what didn’t go right. Even when things are going well, they can spoil a perfectly good moment by waiting for the other shoe to drop.

 Happiness can also elude people if they live life as though it’s a buffet. Pick what you like, leave behind what you don’t like and go home happy. They think that you should never have to taste anything unappetizing. Never have to attend to anything that feels uncomfortable. Then when life hits them with the unexpected or the unwanted, they wail, “It’s not supposed to happen this way!” No life, however, is lived without some really sad things happening to a person. And yet, we can still be happy.

 Happiness, however, is not an equal opportunity attribute. It’s more likely to be experienced by those who develop resiliency, invest in their own growth and learn not to sweat the small stuff. They know how to disagree without being disagreeable; they know they won’t always be in control; they know how to go with the flow.  

 Of course, it’s hard to make yourself happy when you’re not feeling that way. A friend tells you to put on a happy face, but you’re feeling bummed out. Do you alter your emotional state just because she wants you to? Or even because you want to? Of course not. This doesn’t mean, however, that you have no control over your emotional state. It simply means that an indirect approach works best.  

 Nathaniel Hawthorne poetically explained why we can’t deliberately make ourselves happy.

 “Happiness is as a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but which if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.”

Charles Schulz, the creator of Peanuts, explained it more prosaically.

“Happiness is a warm puppy.”

Get the idea? When you’re doing what you like, being with people (or puppies) that you enjoy, happiness may alight upon you. But force yourself to be happy when you’re not feeling it and it simply doesn’t work.

 As we begin a new year, I hope you can  be less frantic about pursuing happiness so that you’ll  be able to invite happiness in whenever it's poking its head around the corner.

Copyright 2011

 Linda Sapadin, Ph.D. is a psychologist and success coach who specializes in helping people enrich their lives, enhance their relationships and overcome self-defeating patterns of behavior. Contact her at lsapadin@drsapadin.com or visit her website at http://www.PsychWisdom.com.

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