Man up? Sure, let me ask for help.

I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. That’s not an easy thing to admit, especially publicly. But mental health awareness isn’t what it used to be, thankfully. The stigma has been largely diminished.
So, in honor of guys pushing off asking for help or pretending we’ll do it tomorrow, I’m offering a belated note for Men’s Health Month and Men’s Mental Health Month, both in June. Yes, June’s just about over, but as my mom and wife often say, if you want to hear about the plan, ask a man. If you want it done, ask a woman.
I grew up with a core group of friends, and as we aged, we got better at talking to one another about things that were bothering us. We made plenty of jokes, and helped each other through tragedy and defeat.
At a friend’s wedding earlier this month, I was reminded, by being with my old friends, that even though we’re a bit grayer and see one another less and less, our friendships remain strong. We retold inside jokes, bragged about our kids, and laughed all night.
These are men and women I’ve known for 40 years or more. We grew up together, and shared the same experiences as kids in the same hometown. We celebrated one another’s successes and commiserated about one another’s failures as we navigated adolescence and then early adulthood.

But even with my closest friends, I have never completely surrendered my male ego and asked for help, or explained a mental health problem. Sure, I’d say that I was struggling or hurting, and they would help me. Those cathartic admissions were helpful, but not regenerative.
My oldest son, now a 26-year-old police officer, told me that he recently sought mental health help through his job. He said he had felt apprehensive on a few recent patrol calls.
That’s never happened. He’s always been a tough dude — we took him to the emergency room twice in one day for different injuries when he was 9. He likened his recent unease to a case of the yips — a baseball player’s sudden and inexplicable inability to make routine throws accurately.
I was relieved to hear he had the fortitude to seek professional help. Several friends on the job told him they regularly go to a therapist to talk about job stresses and issues. As a dad, that made me happy that he is mature and strong enough to ask for mental help before an issue corroded into something larger.
For 11 years as a high school English teacher, I took advantage of our social workers by frequently bringing students with issues into their office for help. I was amazed at how comfortable adolescents had become with expressing their feelings and reaching out for help, without making a big deal of it.
These things weren’t talked about when I was in school, and certainly not among friends. Anger was the closest thing to an emotion that a boy could express in front of a group of fellow 10-year-olds.
It’s remarkable that mental health awareness and acceptance has come so far in a few decades. But men remain trapped by clichés of manliness and the stigma of admitting any mental health issue, however brief. We’re supposed to soldier through it, man up, tough it out. There is strength in learning to deal with adversity through perseverance, and there is also astuteness in knowing when something could be wrong and seeking professional help. Cognitively dissonant, we put our heads down and plow through a hardship, but that childish reaction often fails and exacerbates a problem.
Men are generally less likely than women to ask for help for depression or stressful life events. Men downplay symptoms and pretend they’re OK.
According to Mental Health America, more than 6 million American men suffer from depression. Male suicides have increased since 2000.
There are ample places to get more information online. Here are two: www.MentalHealthAmerica.net and www.MensHealthNetwork.org.
The biggest step is asking for help.
My dad often said that he made a point of saying “I love you” to my brothers and me, because he didn’t remember his own father ever saying it to him. I smile when I hear my kids say that to each other. Seems pretty normal nowadays, but it wasn’t when my dad was a kid.
I love my kids, and I’m proud my oldest son is seeking mental health help. His actions put the lie to the false narrative that tough guys don’t need help. More men need to follow his example.

Mark Nolan, the editor of the Lynbrook/East Rockaway and Malverne/West Hempstead Heralds, taught high school English for 11 years. Comments? mnolan@liherald.com.