Relationships change over time
I remember a storybook wedding at the Waldorf Astoria that I attended many years ago. The bride was radiant; the groom was beaming. She was exuberant as she spoke about her new husband as a special person who “is wonderful, caring, sensitive and makes me feel so good about myself.” He in turn, was passionate as he spoke about his new wife as a remarkable woman who “is loving, bright, beautiful and my best friend.”
It was a wondrous evening. This couple was glowing. They felt mutually appreciated, valued, esteemed, treasured, safe and loved. How superb, fantastic! We were witnessing couple heaven!!
And then, some crass woman on the reception line muttered (in much too loud a voice) “Just wait. She’ll wise up and see. Marriage is for the man’s benefit. Women get the raw end of the deal.” Her mate took the bait. “What do you mean for the man’s benefit? Women suck men dry. Marriage is a woman’s game. He’ll turn into a pansy soon enough.”
Everyone rolled their eyes. They motioned to this couple to shut up. They were spoiling the moment. Romantic weddings appeal to the deepest instinct in all of us who still believe in fairytale love that’s magical and wondrous. Romantic love is nature’s anesthesia, a time of infinite hope, when lovers are fully conscious of their passion and devotion toward one another, unconscious of the difficulties that are yet to surface.
Why, oh why was this crass couple intruding on the moment? And yet, many people in the room knew what they were talking about. Romantic love changes. The anesthesia wears off!
As change begins, starry-eyed lovers don’t wish to acknowledge it. Despite themselves, they get annoyed about things they previously glossed over. Still, they’re patient with one another, minimizing differences and apologizing for their judgments. “He’s tired”; “She had a hard day.” Problems are emerging, but so what, they tell themselves. No relationship is perfect!
As time elapses, however, romantic love typically recedes further from consciousness. Awakening from anesthesia, both husband and wife feel less tolerant of behavior that triggers anger, hurt, and disappointment. She may speak about him as “selfish, uncaring, egocentric”; he may speak about her as “controlling, manipulating, never satisfied.” Instead of gazing into each other’s eyes, now they sit in silence as they gaze at the TV.
Nagging differences may blossom into full-blown annoyances. He wants to watch the games on the weekends; she wants to go shopping with him. He can’t sleep unless the TV is on; she needs quiet to doze off. He orders from a menu without regard to cholesterol or cost; she focuses on diet and dollars. Romantic partners all right — like Michael Jordan and Mother Teresa!
If romantic love is fading from your relationship, don’t panic! Just because you’re in another stage of love does not mean all is lost. Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to see if you can love this imperfect person, for whom he or she really is, not for whom you imagined your spouse was. Instead of feeling betrayed, dwelling on the reality that “you’re not the person I thought you were,” do what you can to grow the relationship.
Remember, you were under nature’s anesthesia at the beginning of your relationship. You wanted to believe that the two of you were like one. Your life together began as a romance novel, now it feels like a case study in a marriage help book. Bummer!
Though the snags in your relationship are difficult to manage, I hope you don’t end up being like that crass cynical couple at the wedding. Sure, you’d love to magically wish away any relationship troubles, but listen up!
Your current struggle with your spouse presents a fuller picture of who you both really are. Though these struggles may be the last thing your conscious mind desires, unconsciously, it may be just what you need to heal, expand, grow and truly accept your spouse for who he/she is.
©2024
Linda Sapadin, Ph.D., psychologist, coach, and author specializes in helping people improve their relationships, enhance their lives, and overcome debilitating anxiety, procrastination, and depression. Visit her website at PsychWisdom.com.
